The most important thing we probably need to remember is that without exception , we are all work in progress and so we should never be ashamed or afraid to ask for help.
Asking for help becomes a problem when we feel uncomfortable; understanding the discomfort is based around the subconscious core belief that we are not good enough (NGE) will help resolve the “asking” dilemma.
Discomfort means that we have moved outside of our comfort zone, and that is when we can learn something new about ourself.
Here are just some of the possible reasons that we do not ask for help. I would be grateful if you let me know of any others you can think of;
1. We live a life mostly based on fear and protection, so becoming vulnerable is counter to this core function that is produced by our NGE, we therefore subconsciously judge that we are not good enough when we ask for help.
2. We do not want to be rejected as that will validate our NGE. Fear of being rejected also triggers many other emotional problems of
3. On a subconscious level, we do not want to be judged that we are weak and not able to cope as it will not only validate our NGE, but the possibility of being shamed by this perceived weakness adds to the resistance of asking for help .
4. Being driven from our subconscious of not being good enough, we automatically embrace victimhood. So not only do we have difficulty in receiving from others, we misguidedly attach conditions to the receiving that we feel we have to fulfil so becoming a victim of the help received.
5. Should I receive help, like 4 above, I judge that will be honour bound to return the favour; “what will the indebtedness cost?”
6. Although normally we thrive as a giver of help, tied into the above, we convince ourselves that others are too busy and have their own life, and stuff to deal with, so it is “nice” not to ask others for help.
7. We have been let down in the past, and our NGE’s victim conscious wants to avoid the fear of this form of betrayal again.
8. We fear being judged as a taker, perhaps even selfish.
9. We fear that we will be surrendering all control and that the person helping you will completely take over thus relegating you to the side lines (helplessly not to be seen again), and undermining your confidence as well as reaffirming your NGE.
10. False Pride by feeling humiliated to be “begging” for help, and not therefore being truly grateful for the assistance.
11. By procrastinating over whether you wanted help or not, the difficulties get worse. Asking for help too late in the day, may expose you to many judgements including ignorance.
12. We do not know how to ask for help positively. Having previously asked in dysfunctional way (using pity to leverage guilt, victimhood as a form of coercion and blackmail.)
13. Underpinning much of the above, because we are “not good enough” we generally have a sense of unworthiness. This nagging false belief undermines our self esteem convincing us that other people have much better things to do than help poor little “me.”
If the above difficulties are obstructions to asking for help, we need to face that they are all based on false judgements derived from our core and most dominant subconscious belief of not being good enough.
Generally when helping others we can experience
great satisfaction, maybe because we experience “feeling good enough” which is
exactly the opposite of not good enough. Strangely studies have shown that recipients often receive more help than they expected, because we feel good when giving. Yet, sadly many in society are conditioned to become takers,
Many people, in fact, use helping others as tool to feel better about themselves, I know I feel good when I am helping others.
So how do we contribute to moving society forward where we must learn new ways to support ourselves so as to have a better relationship with our needs? How can we find more honest ways of asking for and receiving help?
Brene Brown teaches the power of vulnerability. She says that, “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
By asking for help, we can counter intuitively honour ourselves more, although all the points above cloud this most worthy point. When we work with others, not only are we building connectivity with each other, we are building a support network. That way we can also obtain differing perspectives that could well be of benefit for us to help us “grow”, that is, should we be open to learning.
Nadeem Aslam wrote, “Pull a thread here and you’ll find it’s attached to the rest of the world.” As I ask you to help me, I’m increasing that attachment to you and to others.
Perhaps we should just be grateful for the courage to ask for help, and of course, for receiving it, because it can help make us stronger, and more confident.
Finally,I am asking for your help too. Please let me know what you think.
Thank you and blessings